All Good Things Must Come To An End

December 6, 2010

Batgirl BLOG IT 2
Today is a day that seemed so far away, yet it has come so fast.

Batgirl BLOG IT 1
This is all still so new and I feel like I need more time to savor and cherish the every day moments.

Batgirl BLOG IT 3
Unfortunately, after 7 wonderful weeks, I have to go back to work. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this very special time with the girls.

Batgirl BLOG IT 4
We had many lazy days around the house while Pat was at work and Nick was in school. We "dressed up" many mornings and did lots of fun photoshoots. We spent hours upon hours in the family room with toy boxes dumped all over the floor. I loved every single moment and most of all, I loved watching the girls interact. You could see their bond growing stronger and stronger with each day that passed.

Batgirl BLOG IT 5
Even though Reagan has done so well and come so far, there are still those fleeting moments when I look in her eyes and I know she needs me to reassure her that everything is okay and she is safe.

Batgirl BLOG IT 6
Knowing that the girls have each other and that they will be together should give me a level of comfort, but it doesn't.

I am really struggling with returning to work this time around. I should know the drill by now, as I have walked this path twice before. I had to return to work after giving birth to Nick in 1998 and adopting Sarah in 2006, but this time it feels different. I have spent the last week crying every time I even think of going back to work.

Reagan spent the first 10 months of her life in an orphanage without a Mommy and I feel like I need to give her more because of that. There were so many things that I missed and it breaks my heart to think that I could miss something else or even worse, that I won't be there when she really needs me.

We did a little test run with the babysitter last week. Sarah and Reagan went for four hours and it was really the first time Reagan and I have been apart since we met. The four hours felt like an eternity, but when I walked in the door, there she was smiling, playing, and having a good time. It was evident that the four hour separation was harder on me than it was on her.

The test runs are over and today is the real deal. It is not going to be easy, but there is nothing I can do except hope and pray that we all settle into our new routine and before long my anxiety and apprehension will begin to subside.

I am walking out the door this morning before she wakes. I promised myself that I would keep it together and try to stay stong, but no matter how hard I try, I can't ignore the pangs in my heart, nor can I fight back the tears.

52 comments:

Aleasing said...

Lisa, as a mother and a grandmother, I am crying with you!!! I have checked your blog everyday knowing that it had to be coming soon!!I will make no other comment than to say - because I do not know your obligations, I will be praying for you and the girls.
They are precious in His site, too!!
You and your family have given so much for these two girls!!!

Special K said...

As a single mom with no choice but to go back to work...I understand. I don't even know my daughter yet but it still breaks my heart the knowing that I have to leave her for 8+ hrs a day. So many hugs to you today, my friend.

Mia_h_n said...

Try to take comfort in the fact that she's doing fine with the babysitter. Remember, some start up, adjustment tears from both of you don't necessarily mean that this won't work out just fine.

And you're already doing more for her. You are coming back home to her every day.

Love Letters To China said...

Lisa... I will say a prayer for you today. I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling right now. You're a strong, wonderful, caring mommy and will make it through this hurdle as you've done in the past. As you're pictures show, those two sweetie pies will do wonderfully together.

Hugs to you my friend....

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

Hang in there sister... it sucks going back to work I know :) I hate going to work while Shauna is still sleeping. I have her photo up so I can look at her all day and she and Mike are my 'carrot' dangling in front of me to make me hurry up with my work and go home. Lucky my boss knows how much I want to go back to Mike's and my boss in the afternoon... she doesn't give me the extra work and yeah... it is hard leaving her with someone - harder on us then her, they are happily playing all day :) I am now trying to teach Shauna that when we leave the house we are going to 'work'... now, it is 'work' when we go out the door without her :) It will be ok... you will get through the day and your babies will be the one to get you through the day so you can get home... hugs...

Sharon Ankerich said...

I am crying right along with you as I feel your anxiety in your words. know I am praying for you and Reagan often today and you will be back home tonight before you know it. How blessed she is to have a sister who loves her so much! You are an amazing lady and mom~ I know everything will be fine!
blessings!

Jodee Leader said...

Going back to work is never easy and I think this time it would be especially hard! I hope everyone has a great first day back and I bet Sarah takes good care of her sweet sister today! Hang in there!

Stefanie said...

Oh wow, I can just imagine how your heart hurts! But what a beautiful sign of truly loving your daughter!! She is blessed to have you as a mama, as I know you are blessed to have her as your baby girl :)
Hoping today goes well for you both!

Formerly known as Frau said...

Oh Lisa my heart aches for you, but I know all will be good. Be strong today! Praying for a great day and ((hugs)

likeschocolate said...

Hang in there! My heart is breaking for you. Sending love from Georgia!

a Tonggu Momma said...

You are already doing something more for her - you've made the commitment to come back to her every! single! day! for the rest of her childhood, and to be there forever. Yes, it is different this time around, but that doesn't mean your decision is wrong or bad.

My Tongginator needed me home, so I had to change my plans, but three of the children in our travel group transitioned BEAUTIFULLY in attachment with working mommas. Guess who was behind in attachment ten months after adoption? You guessed it - the Tongginator - who had me, a stay-at-home mom.

I'll be praying for y'all these first few days.

Number 6 and no more counting! said...

my heart bleeds for you. But, I believe that these feelings are very normal. If you where happy and skipping out the door with glee that would tell you a lot.

Hope your day isn't too bad.

Lea
xo

carolinagirl said...

Hang in there. I do believe that it is harder on you than the girls. You'll cherish those bright smiles when you walk through that door later today.

Terri said...

Aw, so sorry LIsa! She will be perfectly fine and when you come home just think of how exciting it'll be seeing your baby girl right where she belongs!
((hugs))

Robin said...

My heart aches with you Lisa! I totally know exactly what you are talking about & what you're going through. I cried the first day I came back to work ... pretty much off & on all day :( I called & checked in almost every hour. I know ... over kill ... but I couldn't help it! I found that I couldn't get out of work fast enough & when I walked through the door ... he would RUN to me! The BEST feeling ever + he got lots of snuggles when I got home :)

If it helps any ... it will get easier! I will be thinking of you today. Sending prayers your direction!

xoxo Robin

Michelle@BornInOurHearts said...

Oh, I remember that feeling so well. Like you said, it might be harder on you than it is on her, since she has Sarah with her. If she didn't have Sarah, it might be a different story, but that is such a blessing they can stay together. Hang in there and I'll say a little prayer for you that the separation will get easier.

Hugs,
Michelle

Debbie said...

Lisa, I am sending you the BIGGEST HUG through Blogger! I admit, I dont know what to say (it will be me going back to work in March and I already feel the way you do now...)
What I have been telling myself is "I am so grateful I have this problem and am a mummy to such a wonderful child". And once I do go back I will ALWAYS put Gracie before housework, mundane tasks etc...OMG my hubby has no idea what he will be in for when he comes home from work!!
You seem to me to be such an organised lady and perhaps I can pick up some tips from checking in on LRTC! All the very best for today and remember Christmas hols are just around the corner..Dx

redmaryjanes said...

It is so hard to go back. But it is going to be ok. I have so waited for this photo session.
The last photo just reached right into my heart. Nothing wrong with a few tears in the morning right?

Jboo said...

Oh Lisa -- I know how hard it is to head back to work. Said a prayer for you and your sweet girls today. Hope the time speeds by quickly and their time with the sitter goes well. Hang in there sweetie!

Janet

Virginia said...

Oh Lisa, I feel for you. You're a great Mama and I know it must be beaking your heart. I was a complete mess when I had to go back to work full time (since Jan I've been blessed to be able work 3 days a week, though). At least Reagan gets to be home in her familiar environment with Sarah. Hang in there..hugs.

Gin

Janet said...

Oh Lisa, that must have gone so fast. My heart aches for you. i have been there 3 times over! And it never get easier. I still struggle almost daily with this! Knowing your kids are in good hands though and loved for the hours you're not there makes a world of difference and if I remember correctly, you're babysitter is a great friend and the girls love her! Try to have a good day,
lots of love
Janet

The Gang's Momma! said...

Oh, I'm so sorry that your time off is over. And I know it will be hard for you all to transition, but you can do this. You CAN! You are giving them all such a good base and foundation and a solid, loving home. TM is right - what you are doing for these three blessings of yours is, in the big scheme of things, the most important thing any momma can do for her little ones: you are THERE for them, giving them a safe, warm, loving home. Hang in there thru the rough spots and reach out for support and help. And I'm still hoping for a meet up soon.... once the holiday crush and rush is over and you are further settled in. Got some brainstorming going on about it :)

Hugs to you while you work through your new normal.

Heather said...

You said it yourself...harder on you than it is on them. Praying for you, friend and sending love. Nope, won't be easy, but will be okay! :)

HUGS! Hopefully Christmas will bring a bit of downtime to break up this transition.

Love,
Heather

Tara said...

Lisa, I'm so sorry that you're hurting. Thank goodness that Reagan has Sarah. You can see they are truly bonded and your time just home has created that. They have each other and this will only make their bond stronger. Try to just make it one hour at a time. Before you know it you'll be home.

The Sanders Family said...

Awwww, I'm in tears too! Praying for you, my friend, that the Lord will give you peace that surpasses all understanding and a comfort today that can only come from Him. Even though you can't be there, He always is, and He has you two little girls in His watch and care always. So hard, I'm sure, to leave them, but as you said, it's harder on mom than it is on the kids. So, praying for you today! Hang in there :)

Love,
Angie

Dita said...

Honey...I know the feeling. After 3 years it still isn't an easier leaving in the morning but it makes the coming home so much more wonderful in the evening.

Yes, TM is right....this is different for Reagan because you are Mommy and you will always come back for her.

I so enjoyed every second cuddling with sweet Reagan on Saturday night and both of the Darlings are clearly addicted to Nick and Sarah. Every few hours one of them wants to know when we are going back to your house or they are coming here. Thank you so much for your amazing hospitality and the yummiest food ever, as always...we love you all.

xoxoxo
Dita

I am thinking of you today.

Wanda said...

Oh sweetheart - I'm aching for you right now. She'll be fine - it's you I'm more concerned for. I'm praying for peace in you heart, Lisa.

{{{hug}}}

M3 said...

Oh sweetie! Sending huge hugs, and I'll be thinking about you guys today and hoping that the welcome home mama hugs tonight make your heart feel a tiny bit better. It's hard...

Casey said...

Hang in there, Lisa!! I am sending you tons of good vibes and strength today and always. Thinking of you!!

Jenney said...

I am so sorry, I remember what that was like. I worked full time when my first was born. I am fortunate to be able to have an in-home daycare now that keeps me with my own kids...but now I am the one watching mommies go to work who wish they were home with their kids. Praying for you today.

3 Peanuts said...

Oh sweetie...I am praying that it all goes well. I can imagine it is MUCH harder this time because of Reagan's unique past. I pray for peace in both your heart and Reagan's.

Kim

Freckles & Dimples Photography said...

I'm not checking in here until about 3:30, so I hope your work day is almost over! I know how hard it is to leave and heard the sadness in your words when you wrote about missing something, because you are starting 10 months in with her. Hang in there... I'll be thinking about you and praying your day today went smoothly and that its a tad easier tomorrow & thereafter.
Mindy

Rosie said...

My heart is with you!

Colleen said...

Oh Lisa, big hugs!!!! My heart hurts for you! As a stay at home Mom for all these years I know that although I cherish the moments it is also something I can take for granted at times. Praying for peace in your heart.

jade said...

Hope your day was ok - I can so imagine how hard it was to leave this morning.
Kindest regards, Jade

Mimi said...

Lisa, I'm sorry your leave has come to an end, and sorry that it's so hard to go back. I think it gets harder each time, but it is harder on you than them.
Two little things - if Reagan is finding it hard, I used to, when leaving, tell them I'd be back, and when I came back, say "see, Mama came back, like I promised"
- at least Reagan is in her own home each day, with her big sister. That will make it all easier on her.
Try not to fret, and even though it's late, I'm asking the angels to help you. (((hugs to you)))

P.S. Amazing photos, again!

nanc said...

I know how hard it is to leave them. I went back to work with my first but quit after the next one. Quite frankly I wish I would have at least kept a foot in the professional world. My youngest is 12 and it is extremely difficult to find a job after being out of the work force for so long. I should have looked when he started school but I really did enjoy volunteering at school and thought I could wait a bit longer. As your children get older there are not that many opportunities to volunteer in school.

Bridget said...

Oh Lisa-I hope your first day back to work went well! I know how hard it must have been for all of you. It sounds like the girls are in good hands and hopefully did okay until their Mom came home! Knowni am thinking about you and hope all is well!

Xoxo

Bridget

dreamer said...

This must truly be a difficult time indeed. It was something that always weighed on me. I'm sure it's not easy and I really appreciate the honesty. Best wishes.

Cindy said...

Everything will be alright...It is the most difficult thing a mother has to do. I went thru it twice but they love it more at daycare then they do being home with me all day sometimes.
I just want to reach and squeeze those little chubby cheeks of Reagan's. Beautiful girls.

Kim said...

thinking of you and sending you big hugz..
I love you and I can't imagine.. it is always harder on us ...
Love ya..

The 5 Bickies said...

I remember that day and can fell the tightness in my chest like it was yesterday. I am praying for you and hope the day went well!

Gail said...

Well my heart has been with you all day long. Just wanted you to know that...

The blessing is that they are together. Best buddies and sisters and really adorable little Batgirls may I say. ;)

xoxoxo

3D said...

Big hugs...it is not easy.

Keep smilin!

Jo said...

I hope your first day back went smoothly. I'm sure the tears were streaming this morning but the welcoming of your sweet little ladies this afternoon must have soothed your broken heart. It's so hard to leave your little ones ~ I still remember my first day back in the classroom after having Nicholas.

Jo

Norah said...

Oh Lisa this breaks my heart. Please update us on how the day went. Big hugs!

DiJo said...

I want to cry with you Lisa...... I know she will do great, but that doesn't make it easier right now! Just know that Reagan is a strong and very special girl! And, I have met her fabulous babysitter!!! She will make sure she is LOVED-on until you walk back in the door!

Blessings today....

Love,
Diana

Sharie said...

I only had 4 weeks with Amelia - it wasn't enough time - 7 weeks isn't enough 52 weeks wouldn't be enough - we need our girls as much as they need us. Just remember that leaving and coming back is a HUGE part of attachment and this will help Reagan grow to trust in your love.
I realize that doesn't make it any easier on your heart, but I hope puts your mind at rest.

Mrs. Claus said...

It's just never enough time. Before you know it they are 18 (like Reese's) and about to be on their own.

Jonni said...

Hey Lisa,

Sorry I have not had a chance to get by here as much lately. I am sorry you are having to go through this. I just saw your FB and it looks like everything went okay, so I am so glad to hear that. :)

Hugs,
Jonni

Christie said...

Don't fight the tears, dear Lisa. It's a mother's right to grieve this type of separation...

You are doing amazing!

Mimi said...

Lisa, I was scrolling through your old posts, looking at your photos, and had to leave this comment.
I'm wiping away tears reading this, thinking of how it has worked for you to go back to work. But also thinking what a wonderful job you've done, what happy little girls you're raising, how lucky they are to have you.
Just saying...