Today is a day that seemed so far away, yet it has come so fast.
This is all still so new and I feel like I need more time to savor and cherish the every day moments.
Unfortunately, after 7 wonderful weeks, I have to go back to work. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this very special time with the girls.
We had many lazy days around the house while Pat was at work and Nick was in school. We "dressed up" many mornings and did lots of fun photoshoots. We spent hours upon hours in the family room with toy boxes dumped all over the floor. I loved every single moment and most of all, I loved watching the girls interact. You could see their bond growing stronger and stronger with each day that passed.
Even though Reagan has done so well and come so far, there are still those fleeting moments when I look in her eyes and I know she needs me to reassure her that everything is okay and she is safe.
Knowing that the girls have each other and that they will be together should give me a level of comfort, but it doesn't.
I am really struggling with returning to work this time around. I should know the drill by now, as I have walked this path twice before. I had to return to work after giving birth to Nick in 1998 and adopting Sarah in 2006, but this time it feels different. I have spent the last week crying every time I even think of going back to work.
Reagan spent the first 10 months of her life in an orphanage without a Mommy and I feel like I need to give her more because of that. There were so many things that I missed and it breaks my heart to think that I could miss something else or even worse, that I won't be there when she really needs me.
We did a little test run with the babysitter last week. Sarah and Reagan went for four hours and it was really the first time Reagan and I have been apart since we met. The four hours felt like an eternity, but when I walked in the door, there she was smiling, playing, and having a good time. It was evident that the four hour separation was harder on me than it was on her.
The test runs are over and today is the real deal. It is not going to be easy, but there is nothing I can do except hope and pray that we all settle into our new routine and before long my anxiety and apprehension will begin to subside.
I am walking out the door this morning before she wakes. I promised myself that I would keep it together and try to stay stong, but no matter how hard I try, I can't ignore the pangs in my heart, nor can I fight back the tears.